Shikatsu (死活 - Life and Death)
by DiamondNova
Summary: They say love brings the best out of people. They were wrong. Something terrible I thought for Halloween. I needed to write something edgy to balance all the fluff from the last 6 months. Features generous amounts of psychological hurting, abuse and delicate themes. Proceed at your own risk. (Cover artwork commissioned to @juutanart)
1. Schadenfreude

"_**Your biggest mistake was telling me your weakness."**_

_To whoever reads this: know that what I did, I did out of pure obligation. Even if fear and guilt were a big part of it, they were never powerful enough to cloud my judgement, even in the darkest of hours._

_As I'm writing this, the nightmares from years ago still haunt my memory, and I'm afraid that they will stay with me until my very last breath. _

_I'll never forget the events that transpired that night. A night so dark (not only because it was a particularly stormy one, but also in the literal sense) that the shivers that overtake me from time to time still feel the same._

_Everything fell apart the moment I decided to pack my bags, and leave that hellish place._

_If only I had seen the macabre plan that loomed over me, strangling my hopes of escaping… but that doesn't matter. It never did. Because even If I were to be made aware of the evil machinations against me, I could never outwit the terrible mastermind behind all._

_And so, I made my move…_

Akira Kurusu traversed the shadows of a lofty apartment located in the nicer part of Tokyo like a rat traverses the darkness of the sewers. The same emotion, the same hushed steps and looking back at the most minimal of sounds; the same **fear.**  
Even when the place should feel like a home to a person, to him it was nothing short of a cage. A golden cage, gilded with precious things to pry his mind away from the unending feelings of dread and misery.

But even luxury has a limit to how much it can soothe the weary spirit of someone who's at the verge of going insane.

With the utmost care, he had been focused on the task of getting as many personal items and clothes as he could fit inside a pair of bags he had procured a few days earlier.

He only needed the essentials. Things like his computer and the many ties and suits he had used the past couple of years would have to remain there. It had to look like he really had gone abroad to attend an internship, and not like the crime scene of someone who just took anything he could and ran away without looking back.

The retired thief weighed the bags once more. It was the perfect balance between maximum space efficiency and mobility. But even when that simple action looked like it had no other intention, in his mind, he couldn't help but weigh the choices he was about to make. The internship he had just accepted was something for what he had fought tooth and nail. Sleepless nights, eternal working hours, countless moments of fear and sadness; but everything had paid off in the end. It was his ticket out of there. Everything else be damned.

Akira exited the shared bedroom he had been sleeping in for a good couple of years, and with the same fearful steps, he proceeded to the entrance door.

He eyed the living room, covered in darkness. His nostrils filled his lungs with an air that reeked of confinement and terror, and with one final look over his shoulder, he dissipated the imaginary shadows he had been seeing in the corner of his eye for the past few hours.

Suddenly, disaster struck.

"Where are you going?" The voice pierced through the soul of the weary Akira like a knife cuts through dirty rags.

Fear took hold of his soul like it had done so many times in the past, freezing the very core of his being. He didn't want to believe it, he refused to believe it, but the voice was unmistakable.

Slowly, fighting against his paralized muscles, he turned his head towards the entrance.

T_hey always say that sooner or later, karma catches up with one, and I tend to believe that. I was that karma back in my youth, when I had the power to be the one who brought those who committed crimes in the shadows to the light._

_… I never heard her enter. Even when I prided myself as a masterful thief and an even better burglar, I didn't even heard the lock turning around, nor the hinges speaking in a hush, alerting me of the intruder that was about to wreck my poor spirit._

_But there she was, in all of her **splendor.**_

"Sae…" He spoke, the words fighting their hardest to stay in his throat.

In the doorway, as the faint lights of the hall tried to permeate the darkness from the outside, the sombre figure of Sae Niijima stood.

Slowly, almost as if she was mocking his lack of attentiveness, she closed the door behind her and turned the lock without even making a sound. "I don't think I need to repeat myself, do I?"

"I'm leaving." Akira blurted out in a fleeting moment of bravery.

The younger man couldn't see the figure of the woman very well thanks to the oppressing darkness inside the apartment, but even in that light-forsaken place, he could swore that she was smiling. Smiling with one of those smiles she reserved only for him, filled with a deadly mixture of malice, superiority, anger, and worst of all; an unending madness and love for him.

"Leaving?" Akira could almost see the gleam in her eyes, flashing in the darkness like a hunter stalking its prey. "To that little internship of yours?"

He clenched his fists as hard as he could, keeping his bags alongside him. "How did you know?"

Sae let out a small chuckle. "Please… you think that I wouldn't know?" The tapping of her high heels broke the gelind atmosphere as she took a few steps forward. "You think that I wouldn't notice what you've been doing these past couple of months?"

The younger man stepped back. It was his survival instinct, the screaming warning that compelled him to get away from the woman. "I guess it was too good to be true."

She took another step forward that left her standing in a place that, by some miracle, had a few rays of artificial light coming from the windows. Akira took this opportunity to look at her, even if the fear was already too great. She wore a big, brown coat to shield her body from the freezing weather that was common during the last months of the year. On her right arm, a trusty handbag. On her hands, black leather gloves. And her face, oh her face, it seemed that time had suddenly decided to stop touching her features. The same face, the same amount of makeup, evenly distributed to accentuate her sharp features. Her long, ashen brown hair, flowing like a waterfall.

But her eyes… and her smile… those two told a very different story than anyone else could imagine. Her lips were now curved in the most malicious of smirks. Sae Niijima never bared her fangs, at least not in the literal sense, but her smile had the uncanny ability to provoke fear in the heart of whoever had the terrible luck of getting on the bad side of her temper.

And her eyes, the jewels of her face, usually brown and now tinted of a crimson so intense, so passionate, that comparing them to rubies would be a mockery for the woman. Those two now were stained by a terrible madness mixed with the most fiery love a human being could harbor in its heart.

"Tell me." Her words cut the air like daggers. "Tell me what you were trying to accomplish with all of this."

"I'm running away from Tokyo, from all of this… from **you.**"

_You see, by any extent of the meaning, Sae Niijima was a conundrum in and out of itself. A heartless prosecutor turned defense attorney. Cold and calculating, but extremely emotional. A stoic beauty, but with the features of a devil. Some people would even go as far as to call her a goddess of war once they had seen her fight her way inside a courtroom, while others simply maintained their distance, correctly guessing that she was too dangerous of an opponent to fight on equal footing._

_Sadly for me, I was the greatest fool of them all. What I managed to achieve was something far worse than just becoming her enemy._

_I was in a relationship with her._

_And that meant I had her **undivided attention.**_

"AND YOU THINK THAT I WAS GOING TO JUST LET YOU RUN AWAY?!" Her scream pierced the night atmosphere like a thunder pierces the sky.

Akira stepped backwards in a hurry, his body startled and trembling from the sudden burst of rage. "I don't need your permission to run away!" He shouted back at the typhoon, but it only seemed to enrage her more.

"HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?" The tall woman strode towards the miserable form of the young man, her left hand extended towards him in a gesture that tried to combine a recrimination and an attempt to grab him. "HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT WE'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP?"

He stumbled back, trying to find any cover inside the dark apartment. "What kind of relationship is this?!" Akira kept his defense up, even if his body was slowly losing the will to fight. "What kind of relationship looks and feels like a prison?!"

Sae stopped her onslaught once the word prison was left lingering in the air. She looked at him, without a single trace of regret, but with the eyes of someone who's planning a second blow. A **lethal** second blow.

_Slowly, she took a deep breath. "That's how it looks to you?" She asked, the same smirk adorning her lips. "Have I done something to make you think like that?"_

_For anyone who didn't knew Sae as much as I did, you could never guess how far or deep her manipulation could go. It's astonishing, I know, to think that someone who flaunted the flag of the underdog, of the downtrodden could resort to the most vile and disgusting tricks psychology has ever seen._

_But that was who she was. Twisted, brilliant, relentless, and with a penchant for loving without restraint._

_So it may not come as a surprise that I also got swept up in the torrent of her mind games._

"Have I not loved you enough?" The way her eyes lit up as the word 'loved' left her lips gave Akira shivers. "Have I been selfish, indolent, hateful in my actions towards you?"

The bags on his arms fell to the ground as he pointed a finger towards her. "No, don't give me that crap! I'm sick and tired of it!" The woman wasn't even fazed by his attitude. "You think you can act like a psychopath when you want and then pretend that what you do is right?"

Sae looked at the bags her younger lover had thrown to the floor. After a single instant, in which her mind seemed to acknowledge something known only to her, she looked directly at Akira's eyes. "But I love you." The ex-Phantom Thief felt as if a bullet had pierced his heart, leaving a terrible and burning sensation. "And you love me, don't you?"

_I did. Lying would be of no use to me now. There was a time where I loved Sae with all of my heart. Since the very first time I had seen her I felt something different inside of me. The intrinsic attraction that I felt towards her had no reason to be whatsoever, but I paid it no mind, thinking that love was that way._

_As time passed, and my encounters with her fell upon the various degrees of 'good', to 'disastrous', we ended up sparking a small but resilient flame inside of us. One that finally materialized one fateful Valentine's Day, where she promised me that she would wait until I had become a good man. A man worthy of her._

_It wasn't until it was too late for me to escape when I realized that, to Sae Niijima, loving was an act that no human being could match. It started small, like everything in this world: A small look here, a little smile there. Then it evolved into full bursts of psychosis, much like the ones I have previously described._

_So, as you can see, it took me a fair amount of time to realize that the real Sae was the one that only showed up in the intimacy of our private moments. Where only I could see her, and where I was only hers._

"Don't use that word." Akira retorted, too disgusted to repeat it. "Don't say it like you don't understand what you're doing."

"Oh, but I understand." She walked towards the table that served as the middle point between her position and his. "I understand that you haven't given me a single good reason why you're acting like an ungrateful child."

With care, she deposited her bag on the table. Without even looking at the man cowering at the other side of the room, she took a few packages and papers from her bag. When it looked like she had taken everything out, she left everything on the table and returned to her position, guarding the door.

_Maybe you didn't know this, but Sae was **extremely proficient** at kickboxing. I heard tales in my youth where she had cracked the skulls of many thieves that tried to steal from her or someone else while she was close by. And after witnessing one demonstration that left me in pain for many days, I tend to agree that those were not mere tales, but actual facts._

_So you understand now that seeing her stand in front of me, without anything that could hinder her movements, scared me out of my mind._

_But even then, even if she could destroy every single bone in my body without breaking a sweat, I was willing to risk that possibility in exchange for freedom._

Akira shook his head in defeat. "It's over, Sae. I had it with you, your words, your actions... I had it with **everything**." The younger man took the bags that had previously dropped, and promptly took a step towards the exit. "You can hit me as hard as you want. I'll get out of here even if I end up maimed and broken."

Then, it happened. From her eyes a torrent of tears flowed down. A myriad of droplets fell from her cheeks directly to her coat and even to the floor beneath her feet.

The young man stopped in his tracks at the sight of the mighty woman shedding tears. Something that he thought was impossible. He looked at her eyes, and then, he felt something snap inside of him.

In her eyes, an impossible mixture of emotions combined into a violent vortex which he had never seen before. Sadness, anger, relief, love, pride, joy, every single one taking turns as Sae started to cackle in a maniacal way.

"IT'S HAPPENING!" She held her head with her two hands. "THE MOMENT I'VE BEEN DREADING SO MUCH IS HERE. THE MOMENT I'VE BEEN WAITING!"

After the initial feeling of astonishment passed, Akira tightened the grip he had over his bags. "It's too late to bring out the fake tears, Sae. If you think…"

"You MUST excuse my sudden outburst, my love, but I fear that my current state makes it hard for me to control my emotions these days." Sae interrupted him mid-sentence, her tears starting to dry. "It's just that, you lost. You lost every single chance you had to get away from me. I played my cards perfectly and you were none the wiser."

A terrible chill started to settle inside of the young man. It felt just like frostbite on the tips of his fingers. "I don't think you understand that I'm about to walk out of **this**." Akira extended his arms, signaling the apartment and everything that it stood for. "And there's nothing you can do to stop me anymore."

She smirked once more. This time with even more malice than before. "How long do you think I've known about your little plan? Do you even imagine how many nights I've spent awake, trying to come to terms with the fact that someday, you would just go away forever?" Little by little, the light coming from the outside started to rise. "Even as madness kept churning inside of me I didn't give up. I just had to outsmart you, to get you to a place from which you would never be able to escape. But what was that place? I thought about it, as you worked incessantly to achieve your internship. For a while, I let you be, for I knew that with enough time, I would be the victor. And so, one night, as you were away, I devised the chain that would keep you at my side, forever." One final smirk took ahold of her lips.

_What comes next may very well make you desist from reading further, but, in case you decide to continue, I'll warn you now: Sae Niijima is not just a brilliant lawyer. She's also a natural born perfectionist, and one that hates losing with a passion. Her time working in the Special Investigation Department taught her that no method is too underhanded, and no action is too excessive._

_For what she told me that night was not something I've never heard of before. It was a common occurrence for those who worked in the right places. But the thing was, how she accomplished her macabre goals went far beyond what most would call: "Extreme"._

**"I'm pregnant."**

_I lack the words to explain what I felt in that moment. Saying that it felt like my whole world was over would seem lacking, for I don't know what would make your world end. I can only hope that whatever feelings I had at that moment, will remain unknown to you._

_But I also fear that, in telling you this, I've exposed you to the same hypocrisy that I hate._

The bags fell to the ground with a deaf thud. His arms went limp, absolutely limp. It became progressively harder to breathe, his lungs were collapsing thanks to the shock. To Akira Kurusu, that felt like death. Pure and simple death.

"Don't you remember?! That day, THAT FATEFUL DAY WHEN WE CELEBRATED YOUR SUCCESS ON THAT GRADUATING EXAM?" Sae extended her arms towards him, a grotesque grin on her face. "I insisted and insisted. At one point I even thought that my whole plan was going to fall apart… BUT YOU FINALLY GAVE UP. I was glad! So glad!"

_It comes as no surprise that I made love with Sae countless times before her psychosis was revealed to me in full. It was natural to feel attracted to the woman I loved in more ways than just sentimental._

_The first time was magical. A feeling of pure bliss. Then, as time passed, it became less of an exchange of passion, pure love and desire, and more of a constant recrimination where she had to make sure that it was her the only one allowed in my heart and my mind under penalty of enacting unspeakable punishments onto me._

_So, I started to elude her 'loving' embrace. I flung excuse after excuse to her. Some I said in person, the majority over the phone or via email. Anything that would spare me the punishment that was enduring her poisonous words and blistering gaze._

_That's why I think that the only one that could be blamed for my downfall was me. That day, a few months ago, she had come to me in a way that I thought was only a dream. I should've followed my guts, and cut short every one of her loving gestures. It's a miracle; I thought, the Sae I knew was back. And so, I gave myself onto her treacherous embrace._

_As we progressed through the night, it became increasingly obvious that hers was but a mere facade of normalcy. A disguise that she could only don for moments at a time. And so, as we reached the climax, I tried my best to separate my mind from that moment. To just forget about everything and leave it buried in the back of my mind._

_Oh, how foolish I was. Without even knowing I had taken the knot and placed it willingly over my own neck._

"Didn't you find it strange? Did you ever stop to think about it a little?" Sae placed her hands on her hips, standing with a gesture of superiority. "Of course not. Why would you? After all… your little internship was everything to you. Every single waking moment you had, you devoted it to getting that sweet chance of escaping. How did that worked out in the end, eh?"

The young man gasped for air as hard as his atrophied lungs allowed him to. Every second felt like an eternity, every attempt to keep breathing was greeted with violence, like a hot blast of molten iron. "Y-you lie…" He managed to whisper in a weak voice.

For a single instant, it looked like Sae's grin had devolved into a mien of pure rage. But just as quick as it appeared, it vanished, making it feel like it had been only a mirage.

"Is that so? Then tell me… how am I lying about this?" Her eyes gleamed at the prospect of toying around with the wreckage that was her lover. "You do understand how pregnancy works, don't you?"

_Even if I felt like an absolute moron at that moment, it wasn't like I hadn't had a proper sex education in school. Cycles, probability, the ovum implantation period, and most important of all: How to prevent it._

Akira slowly stood up, his breathing a little less erratic but his soul still in shambles. "You told me that it was a safe day. That you were on the pill."

Sae let out a quick laugh. "And you were so naive as to believe what I told you? Me? The most ruthless prosecutor of the penal system?" She shuffled her hair with demure. "I was lying of course. It was my most dangerous day. And not only that! I went out of my way to try every single medicine and herb that would boost my fertility."

The younger man hid his face between the palms of his hands. It was only natural after falling for such a miserable lie that he felt like just disappearing completely.

"Don't feel bad, though." The older woman added, seeing his suffering. "Even if you were to use a condom, I would've ended up poking a few holes here and there."

He took a few seconds to compose himself again before clashing once more with her scorching gaze. "Even so… even if you were on your most dangerous day, it's still a game of probability. As long as it's not 100% then it's not guaranteed to happen!"

Sae nodded. "I know. That's why I took the liberty to get a few extra things." She extended her hand towards the table.

With his heart hammering on his ears, he walked towards the table. Once there, he looked at what Sae was referring to. The first package was enough to freeze the very blood in his veins: A plastic bag, filled with dozens of pregnancy tests. **All positive.**

It was a hard blow, a terrible one, but it still meant nothing. As long as it detected a very specific hormone, it was easy to trick the test into giving a positive. So he continued onto the next torture.

Sadly, the second package was on a league of its own.

Akira read the logo printed on the package. "Takamura Maternity Clinic." He had heard a few times of it. It was a private clinic that fell on the 'expensive range' of the spectrum, where people went when they wanted absolute privacy regarding their family (present and future) affairs.

The young man held the package with both hands. Unable to open it. Unable to put it back on the table. To him, it was a bomb that lacked a defusal method.

"Open it." The order came hard and without a single ounce of mercy. "Don't make me go there."

His hands moved compelled by the sheer force of the threat. Inside, a hefty amount of pages were stapled together, accompanied by several leaflets that were unreadable thanks to the darkness. After his fingers finally found the strength to grip the report, Akira lifted it so what little light was inside could help him with the reading.

"Dear Niijima-san: First of all, we would like to sincerely thank you…" The eyes of the retired thief blazed through the unnecessary words until he reached a paragraph that felt like a thousand daggers on his back. "... We are delighted to announce that, after processing all the exams and tests you requested, we can assure, without an ounce of uncertainty, that you are unmistakably pregnant."

As he turned every page included in the report, his heart started to beat more slowly. The first pages were the results of every exam used to determine the existence and current viability of a pregnancy. Then it came the medical checkups; week after week Sae took punctuality as her mantra. And so, at the last page, just like one of those hefty sentences he had seen so many times, the last checkup had its date printed on the upper right corner. It had been done a few days ago.

"And before you start talking about me forging these papers or using my influences to fake every single test you just read…" Akira slowly turned his gaze from the papers in his hands, to the woman who had just sentenced him to die. "I present to you, the irrefutable proof: My own body."

Sae quickly disposed of her brown coat. Under it, she wore one of her usual business suits. Slowly, almost relishing in his pain and misery, she unbuttoned the lower part of her jacket and, lifting the bottom of the black turtleneck that matched her clothes, she showed to her lover the only thing that could never be forged, nor faked, and much less ignored: A baby bump.

There, illuminated by the dim lighting, instead of a toned abdomen, a little bump signaled that inside her womb another life rested.

"B-but what about the morning sickness? The movements, restlessness, the cravings…? Something… anything?" His voice came like the whimper of a mortally wounded animal who's crying in vain, forever lost in a forsaken place. "Why didn't I noticed anything?"

This time, her smile lost some of the anger and madness that had tainted it for the past few hours and instead, some sadness found its way into it. "How could you? Do you remember what happened after we made love that night? I left you alone. I had to use all the restraint I had in myself to make you believe that I was giving you the cold shoulder. And that made you happy, isn't it?" Her tears started to flow again, another telltale sign of pregnancy. "Even if I were to die, throwing up in the bathroom every morning, or if I had to cry myself to sleep every night, as you spent countless hours away, working to get your 'precious' internship… would you have noticed?"

Akira shook his head. Sae was absolutely right. After feeling that her grip over him had suddenly vanished, he devoted every single fiber of his being to working towards the thing that he thought it would save him from a living hell. Every day he would arrive late and so tired that the moment his head touched the pillow, he would be knocked out cold, or he wouldn't even arrive, choosing instead to stay somewhere else.

"I wasn't the one that put the noose over your neck, Akira. And I'm not going to be the one that forces you to stay if you don't want to." The tall woman turned around towards the door, and quickly unlocked it with a single motion. "If you want to leave, do it. I won't beg, I won't shout or use any kind of physical contact to prevent you from leaving." She stood at the side of the door, her right hand slowly caressing her belly. "But know this… that the moment you exit through this door, I won't rest until I've made your whole life a living hell. I'll go to whatever extent I must go and spare no effort to make you regret leaving me and **our** child behind. You know I can, and you know I **WILL**."

_(There's a pause in the letter for a few lines. A lot of words are crossed out until their meaning is unrecognizable. There are also some numbers, though they seem entirely unconnected. A few droplets of something that could perfectly well be blood soil the letter here and there) Before you ask yourself; yes. I know that abortion is an open secret nestled deep inside the heart of the Japanese society. An eternal black spot that blemishes the facade of moral perfection the government wants to show towards other countries. To go even further, I won't deny that the same places that offer maternity checkups and exams do what ironically is the total opposite in secrecy. But, if you want me to set aside my own morality to be strictly professional, the law dictates that because the baby was mature enough, it fell under its jurisdiction. Any attempt against its development would be considered a homicide. Even worse, an infanticide._

_...I'm sure that Sae would have protected that baby with every ounce of strength she had in her body too. Mothers are like that._

_(There's another pause here. A few scribbles indicate an attempt to write some words like: 'duty', 'forgiveness', and 'burden') Also, I think that children shouldn't carry the sins of their parents. Haru knows it. Makoto knows it too. I want to think that Sae did as well._

_Anyway, as I was writing… I don't know what I wanted to feel in that moment. Perhaps I wanted to cry. Perhaps I wanted to scream as loud as my lungs allowed me to, or just jump out of the window and smash my body against the pavement outside. The snowflakes would've made a nice blanket over my body, as my blood turned the white into crimson red._

_But I didn't. I didn't do anything like that. I just… fainted. My mind, feeling the incoming overload, just shut itself down to prevent any further damage._

_Because of that, the rest of that moment will be forever a mystery to me. One that only Sae knows and that perhaps she will carry to the grave._

_I woke up one morning. I don't know how many days later, nor do I care, and the first thing I saw besides me was Sae, still caressing her belly with a love so tender that it could make even the most cold hearted individual cry. She looked at me, no trace of malice, anger or madness in her eyes, just warmth and concern, and asked: "How do you feel, dear?"_

_This time, her words did absolutely nothing to me. I just took a deep breath, and after realizing that the snowstorm outside had finally subsided, I asked: "So… it's a boy or a girl?"_

_She laughed, a genuine expression of joy and relief on her lips, and promptly answered: "Don't be silly, my love! It's still too early to know!"_


	2. Ant Farm

"_**Chaos, contrary to what most people tend to believe, is the addition of a third variable to a system that only supports two."**_

I arrived early that day. And by early I mean a whole hour earlier than most expect people like me to show up. It was already a madhouse when I got the call at 3 AM, more or less, so anyone should expect that after rushing from my bed to the shower and into the car I didn't had what most people would call: "a friendly face."

But even with such a face (one that I've been told, it's pretty effective at telling other people to mind their damn business) I couldn't help but feel that, this time, I was the center of everyone's looks. I already knew that my appearance was always somewhat of a mishap, and my stubbornness was often offset by my effectiveness but it was pretty obvious that those weren't the reasons why I felt like a deer in the middle of a pack of wolves.

Not wanting to deal with that, I simply did a beeline towards the nearest entrance and just ignored the unwanted attention. Once I found myself at the front door of the scene, I quickly checked with the person charged with guard duty. It was a young guy that was on the verge of falling asleep while standing. Possibly a recent graduate from the school.

"Poor bastard." I thought. "Perhaps this is his third time in a row."

Before a single word could come out of his mouth, I simply opened my coat, flashing my badge with a very tired look on my face, making it perfectly clear that for all that I cared, not even the Prime Minister could forbid me from entering.

The officer just did a formal salute and proceeded to remove the tape that barred the entrance to anyone that wasn't connected to the incident.

"The senior commissioner is on the scene too." I heard him say as he reinstated the tape to its original position.

"Amazing." I whispered to myself. "This is turning out to be a bona fide clown fiesta."

As I delved into the place (an apartment that was far too nice, as places tend to be in the nicer parts of the city) I couldn't help but smile a little at the absurd number of effectives on the premises. That's what it meant to have the commissioner on scene.

Once I arrived at what would have been the living room under normal circumstances, I found the commissioner and all of its subordinates using it as some sort of command room. People came and went, giving status reports and handing out more orders by the minute.

And so, there she was. Police Senior Commissioner Makoto Niijima, standing amongst a veritable entourage of people I knew all too well, and others that were just mere faces hanging from a frame on a wall.

I directed my steps towards her, and I wasn't even three meters away when she noticed my presence. With quick gestures she gave orders to everyone around her and after every single person had vanished from her side, she gave me a nod.

"Senior Commissioner Niijima, ma'am." I addressed her with a formal bow once I finally stood alongside her. "It must be pretty grand if you're with us today."

She didn't answer at first. The senior commissioner that usually had a very stern look on her face was now giving me one of her famous 'mom stares'. I just didn't know how she did that. How she could manage a whole bunch of idiots like the Tokyo Police Department was, while also being able to scold as well as comfort them, just like a mother would. It wasn't a surprise that she was liked by the vast majority of the force.

"You didn't have to come, you know?" She scolded me.

I took a good look at her, something that someone like me would seldom do. But in that moment, I think that everything was fair game.

Makoto Niijima wasn't really tall. She was a little bit taller (mere inches) than the average asian woman. Her hair was brown and she had it in a strange mixture of a bob cut with her right side parted asymmetrically, something that, according to most people, she took from her elder sister once Sae Niijima took a more passive role in her professional life. Perhaps it was like a customary title that the sibling with the higher charge donned. However, the most prominent feature on her face, were her red eyes. Fierce and noble, those two crimson orbs helped her to accentuate a fierce gaze, as well as give her a noble aura when spoken to. And of course, no one spoke about her ridiculous strength. Some people say that even if you were to be a 5-foot tall gorilla, if she couldn't cut you down to size with her words, then a single punch would do the trick.

Frightening indeed.

"Don't worry about me, Niijima-boss, It's not the first time that I've given up a day off." And that part wasn't a lie. "I'll have plenty of those later."

She looked at my face, scrutinizing every single inch, trying to see the most minimal trace of doubt or hesitation.

But it's part of the job to learn to toughen yourself up. After a few minutes, Makoto Niijima sighed.

"Alright. I'll let you pass for now, but listen well," She lifted one finger as her voice acquired that characteristically ambivalent tone of hers that made you wonder if what she said was a threat, an order or just a caring suggestion. "If I see that you're dragging down this investigation, I'll send you home in an instant. Is that clear, Detective?"

I wanted to roll my eyes but I knew better than to test my reflexes with her. "Duly noted, ma'am." I took my reglementary white gloves from the inside of my coat and promptly wore them over my hands. "So, are you going to be so kind as to give me a brief summary or one of your lackeys will do it instead?"

The commissioner gave me a look that mixed pity, sadness and anger as she quickly took her phone out of her pocket and texted a few messages. "I'll give you the general idea while we wait for someone to babysit you." She sighed again. Something told me that she had been doing so since the whole incident began. "Based on the preliminary reports we've seen, it seems like we have a suicide on our hands."

I started to take mental notes. You may never know when the facts stop and the speculation begins. "Preliminary reports tend to say that. Alright, let's get to the victim. Anything out of the ordinary?"

"Not really. Male in his mid fifties. He lived in this apartment with his wife, and had done so for almost 20 years." Makoto answered my question as she went back to her phone. By now she must had known every single detail by memory, so I just let the commissioner be. "According to his family registry he has a child, but-"

The frantic tapping of a pair of shoes suddenly interrupted the stream of information I was getting from Senior Commissioner Niijima. Most unfortunate… for the poor sod that dared to interrupt her.

"Senior Commissioner Niijima, boss!" A woman suddenly rushed to our side, gasping for air. She was a little bit shorter than Makoto and had short, black hair tied up in a ponytail. Her uniform suggested that she was one of the officers from the nearby police station. "I've been informed that you are in need of someone to guide an agent from the First Division, ma'am!" The officer did the most formal salute she could muster in her tired state.

"At ease, officer Saitou." Makoto did a gesture to help soothe the tense mood between the three. "This is the agent I was speaking about when I asked for someone. I'll leave everything in your capable hands, ok?"

She did a small bow and after giving me one last warning with her eyes, the commissioner promptly left me there with my 'de jure' caretaker.

I must have had a very pissed look on my face, because when I finally turned towards Officer Saitou she was fidgeting non-stop on her spot. "Look, I'm sorry if you're not comfortable with this." This time it was my turn to sigh. "I know that we don't have much choice if the big boss is the one that gives the order, but I won't tell her if you decide to bail on me."

"W-what?! N-no, don't worry!" The woman looked extremely troubled, almost as if I had suggested that we punch Makoto in the face. "I was just… confused. I didn't know how to address you. I haven't seen many agents from the first division. And even less spoken to them."

I couldn't help but give her a sympathetic smile as I scratched the back of my neck. "Yeah, don't worry about formalities or anything like that. Detective is fine. That's what my badge says, so that's what we'll use. If we keep the formalities to a minimum, I'll be infinitely thankful." When her eyes lit up as two stars in the night sky I was sure that the icy wall from before was melting at a pretty good pace. "Now, let's get to work."

As I started to walk towards the other rooms, she followed me with a very happy strut. At least my 'assistant' was chipper than most.

"So, the commissioner was trying to inform me about the victim's children. Let's continue with that."

"Ah yes, of course detective." Saitou took glee in pronouncing that last word. Too much for my taste. "It seems that the victim indeed has one child: a daughter. However, she has long since moved out to her own home."

"Alright, one little bird out of the best. What about the widow?" I asked without even looking back.

The officer took a little longer to answer this time. "She was the one who found the body, as far as we know."

"How so?"

"According to her testimony, she was visiting relatives until very late at night. If the preliminary autopsy report is correct, the victim commited suicide between 12 pm and 1 am. She arrived at 2 am. Her sister confirmed this, and there's camera footage that proves it."

"Her alibi is fool-proof. At least for the material part." I stopped in the juncture that led towards the matrimonial bedroom and the other rooms. "How did the victim die?"

"Death caused by excessive bleeding." The small woman lifted her index finger as she recalled the data. "It seems that he used a very, VERY sharp knife to stab himself several times. Even with immediate attention he would've died either way."

I looked at Saitou with disbelief. "How many times is 'several'?" I knew I was going to regret asking that question.

"At least 26 times. And that's only if he wasn't able to stab himself twice in the same place." She answered with a very sad expression.

I did my best to fight back the urge to curse in that moment. Twenty-six fucking times, that was my new personal best. And one that seemed very hard to beat. "That's awfully excessive. What would make a man go to that extreme?"

"No one knows. At least not with the information we have at hand right now." Her eyes turned serious for a minute. That was a relief, at least I knew that when the right time came, she would make an excellent asset.

I tilted my head to the side, trying to sort the information I had just received. "Where did the widow found the body?"

"In the studio, detective. At the right side of this corridor."

My eyes quickly scanned the corridor that Saitou had just mentioned. Every single door was open and the lights inside were on. "By any chance… is the Forensic team still in the premises?" I did a gesture with my head towards the lit rooms.

She scratched her cheek with a meek expression on her face. "Y-yeah. They seemed to be especially motivated to work today. You understand why… don't you?"

Fan-tastic. "Alright, since we're not going there; please tell me what did they find in the room besides the body."

"Well, the murder weapon, of course. It seems like the victim never intended to move outside of that room in particular." Saitou placed her right hand on her chin, trying to look like she was thinking to the best of her abilities. "They also found his personal computer and a lot of papers. According to the widow, the victim was trying to write his memoirs but it seemed that he had reached an impasse. He asked to stay home, working on it while his wife went to visit her sister."

I snapped my fingers. "Now that's interesting. Do we know if the victim had any enemies or people who wanted to do harm to him or his family?"

The woman shook her head. "No, detective. In fact, based on what we know and what the relatives have told us, he seemed to have quite the network."

"Well, that's what they say. Secrets are not meant to be shared with close ones after all." I tapped my foot a few times. The only things I had until now were questions and conjectures based on what few answers Saitou had given to me. If I wanted to have a chance in cracking this, I needed to change my plan of attack. "Did they check the garbage bins?"

"Quite thoroughly." She smiled, somewhat proud of what her team had done. "Sadly, it seems that there was nothing that could be used to give a little light about this."

Welp, that was my last brilliant idea. I put my hands in my pockets, trying to occupy the least amount of space in that asphyxiating place, swarming with police agents. "Any other information I should be made aware of?"

The officer tilted her head, much like I had done a few minutes ago. "Besides that…? Well, we took the computer to our cybernetic division to see if there was something concerning some motive we haven't found yet. Ah, but the victim's widow asked us to give it back to her once the investigation is done. It seems that the family wants to publish his memoirs posthumously."

That was my ticket to the next stop. "Are they entirely digital?"

Saitou looked puzzled by my question. "I-I'm not entirely sure, detective."

"Well then, a few more questions before I send you off to your first solo mission…" I took my hands out of my pockets and fixed the wrinkles on my gloves. "What rooms are on the other side of the corridor?"

The woman leaned a little to the right, trying to see past me. "The bedrooms, if I recall correctly. There's two: One that the victim shared with his wife, and one that belonged to his daughter."

"And did the forensic team searched those rooms?"

"They did the standard procedures, but it seemed that nothing noteworthy was found, so they left those alone."

Bingo. "And tell me, the daughter's room… has it been altered in any way since she left?"

"I don't know, detective… wait..." Her face beamed up like a lightbulb ad portas of blowing up from an overload. "OH, I SEE!"

I lifted my hands to try and calm her down. "Good to know we're on the same page, Officer Saitou. Now, do me a grand and look for a scruffy looking detective. If you find him, tell him to go talk with the cybercrime division so they search the memoirs. If I'm at least half-right, then what we're looking for is in more than one place."

The small woman nodded and immediately turned around. She didn't even managed to walk more than four steps before she turned around again. "How scruffy?"

"Very." I answered, trying my best to not produce a single sound with my steps as my destination approached. "You'll know when you see him."

As soon as I saw her turn around the corner, I quietly turned the door's handle and entered the room.

Once I closed the door behind me, only darkness greeted me. Without an inch of doubt, I flipped the light switch that was just beside the door. The light soon parted the shadows and I found myself face to face with the most average looking room I had ever seen.

"For a pretty pricey apartment, this room sure looks as plain as they come." I whispered to myself as I walked towards the center of the room.

I took another quick look around, and after taking note of the position of everything inside, I started my analyzing process.

_"What I'm looking for is not the confirmation of what I already know. Is the proof that there is another possibility."_ I repeated my mantra like I had done a thousand times. _"If there was something I wanted to hide from everyone, even my family, it must be where they wouldn't think of looking."_

Easy enough. If the forensic team had already been here, then it meant they did a very simple sweep through the room. Luminol, chemical trails, gunpowder. Those were the easy ones. Then it came the more thorough ones: Forced entry, physical struggle, messy furniture, markings on the walls, broken light bulbs, fingerprints.

If nothing gave a straight answer; if nothing had been touched, then it meant that what I needed to find was on an even deeper layer.

Without wasting a single instant, I took my phone out and tapped on a level app. It was better than carrying around a big ass tube with a bubble inside, but its accuracy was sometimes more than lacking. Even so, it was worth a try.

Slowly, I measured the level of the whole floor. I searched for any anomaly: under the furniture, under the bed, even the corners. Every time the bubble moved, even an inch, I tapped the floor with a single movement.

This continued on for several minutes until, after what seemed like an eternity of crouching, I finally found what I had been looking for: A secret compartment on the floor.

With care, I extracted from the inside of my coat a case containing several tools that helped me to deal with things that required a delicate touch.

A scalpel helped me remove anything that could be holding the tile in place. After that, I took an easel and carefully tapped the corner, until it came off with a small pop.

That was my moment. I slowly took the tile and removed it from the hole on the ground. What my eyes saw the moment the lid was off made me feel a little giddy inside, but that wasn't the moment for premature celebrations.

Inside, a small envelope rested. It had nothing written on it, but after shaking it a little, I noticed that, apart from a letter, it contained a somewhat small object.

I tore the envelope open, taking care of not damaging a single item inside, and after tilting it a little, a small silver key fell onto my palm.

Examining the key gave me no further light about its use or origin, so I turned over to the letter.

_"Yamada's Rental Lockers. B-33."_

A quick search on my phone gave me an address near Jongen-Jaya. That was the last piece I needed to start putting the puzzle together.

With the same silence that I had entered the room, I made my exit. A quick look around told me that no one had seen me enter, and the notable absence of my quirky assistant told me that she was probably entertained with the prospect of trying to convince a member of the first division to do something that he had possibly thought of himself.

Quickly, I exited the corridor, and into the living room. In there, I saw more than one face turn to me as I dashed through the crowd. Maybe even Senior Commissioner Niijima was there, but I didn't pay any attention. As long as I wasn't dragging down everyone else, then I was on the clear.

Once I descended to the first floor, I saw Officer Saitou speaking with some of the other members of the First Division. She had a face filled with shock and sadness. When she saw me, running towards my car, that face changed to a one filled with pity.

It seemed that my colleagues had already filled her in about my reputation.

I jumped into my car and quickly floored it towards Jongen-Jaya. Thankfully, the roads leading there were deserted enough to allow me a smooth ride.

After parking my car in one of the many alleys, I sprinted towards the direction marked on my GPS. It turned out that this 'Rental Locker' place, was more than hidden inside the many twists and turns within Jongen-Jaya. To reach there it seemed like one had to look really hard for it.

That only made my blood boil with anticipation.

Surprisingly, the place was open 24/7. After checking in with the dependant, that looked like he had better things to do than speaking with me, he took one of those old, yellow accounting books, and after making sure the locker had been paid for, he directed me towards an aisle inside the already small building.

This locker in particular was located within the last aisle, on the part furthest to the back, just besides the dirty wall. As I approached towards the end of my journey, my steps echoed on the empty building. The decrepit lights blinked like they were on their last leg. Once I was on the exact same spot the dependant told me, I recognized the locker B-33 as the one right in front of me.

With quick hands I extracted the small key that I had obtained from the envelope at the apartment, and promptly inserted it into the lock.

**Perhaps it should've been better if I had stopped to think for one second about what I was about to do. What I was about to unleash. All the horrors, the evils, the suffering and torment I would find at the bottom of that accursed locker. Because the worst day of your life can always get worse. Exponentially. Infinitely.**

With one turn, the locker opened. Inside, three particular things rested: A small diary with black leather covers, a large, brown envelope filled to the brim with papers and finally, what seemed to be a very long manuscript with just two words on its cover.

As my breath turned slowly into ice, I took the manuscript in my hands. Apart from the two words the cover seemed to be stained with droplets of a substance I could not identify at the moment. I looked at the two words.

**"For Hikari"**

Something broke inside of me.

With a trembling hand, I turned the cover, arriving at the first page.

_"To whoever reads this: know that what I did, I did out of pure obligation. Even if fear and guilt were a big part of it, they were never powerful enough to cloud my judgement, even in the darkest of hours."_

In horror, I read in its entirety what could very well be the most twisted and macabre introduction that I ever had the misfortune of laying my eyes upon.

The first chapter was just the entrance to a hell that appeared to me as more than just literal.

I didn't had the strength in me to read every single page, so after the first chapter, I only read certain parts from some pages separated by a good length from one another.

Once I arrived at the end, only one small paragraph awaited me:

_I'm sorry that the only thing I could leave to you after my death is this hellish abomination of a confession. But I pray that you can forgive me, for this is the only way that I'll be able to take my own life without feeling the cold grip of your mother on my hands. Do what you want with this. I've had enough. I'll exit this life claiming back the only thing that should have been absolutely mine: my name._

_Akira Kurusu (a Niijima no more)"_

At that moment, my whole mask fell. There was no more detective, no more member of the First Division, no nothing. The whole weight of the emotional damage I had managed to suppress since I got that call had finally crashed down onto me.

I felt like a child again, trembling with fear, shouting amidst an oppressive darkness, desperately crying for my parents.

As the tears started to fall, I took the cell phone from my pocket, and promptly tapped one of the few numbers I reserved for emergencies like these.

After a few rings the unmistakable voice of the commissioner answered the call. "For the love of everything, don't scare me like that, you hear me?!" Her voice was now more of a mother than ever before. "Are you alright? Are you hurt? Do you need backup?"

"A-auntie…" My voice crackled as the tears ramped up. "Auntie, I can't do it. I can't do it after all. I'm not… strong enough."

I heard the hurried steps coming out of the other side of the line before Aunt Makoto spoke again. "Hikari, Hikari listen; you're strong. You hear me? You're stronger than you think, and stronger than most people would ever aspire to be." Her soothing voice felt like a soft breeze on feverish skin. "You coming here to try and help with the case even though you shouldn't have is already something worthy of all and every praise. I thank you, your mother thanks you… and I'm sure that your father would've thanked you as well."

I remained silent at the mention of my father. Or perhaps it was because of my mother. My emotions were already a violent vortex that refused to subside, wrecking everything they could in their wake.

"Hikari. Listen to me, not as the Senior Commissioner, but as your aunt." She spoke again, sensing how delicate the situation was. "Can you tell me where you are right now? I'm not asking if you want me to pick you up, just where you are, ok?"

"Jongen-Jaya."

"You went to see Grandpa Sojiro?"

"No, I just… felt like it." I lied.

"That's alright. It's a reason as good as any. Now, let me ask you: Do you want me to pick you up?"

I looked at the manuscript I had in my other hand. A few of my tears joined the plethora of other stains that adorned the cover. "N-no… no. Don't worry. I came here by car."

My aunt let out a small sigh. "Ok, that's good, that's good. Do you need someone to talk to?"

Slowly, I opened the final page once more. "Do what you want with this. I've had enough." Those words etched themselves in my head like a vision of hell itself, painting the sky with an ominous crimson red. "Yeah, I would appreciate that."

"Wonderful. Come see me, ok? I'll prepare a few things to lift your spirits up." Her tone briefly sent me back to my childhood, when she would visit my home, bringing presents along with the occasional candy. "There's no need to hurry, alright? You just focus on getting here and call me the moment you feel down again, is that clear?"

"Mhmm."

After she hung up, I stood still staring at my phone's screen. The photo of my family that I used as my lock screen stared back at me. And I looked into my father's eyes, all those years ago.

Did he felt like that even then? Did he wanted to die as much as he did when he plunged a knife into his body without thinking it twice?

Feeling the cold coming back to me I closed my coat. After taking everything that was inside the locker, I exited the place, leaving behind not only the mask I wore my whole life, but also the memories that had chained me and my father.


	3. The light in the cavern

"_**Ignorance bears the same punishment as the crime."**_

My name is Hikari Niijima. I'm 28 years old. I work as a police detective in the Japanese Police Force, First Division. My father's name was Akira Kurusu, even if in the marriage certificate he shows as a Niijima. My mother…

My _mother_'s name is Sae Niijima. I studied Law at The University of Tokyo, as my father, my _mother_ and my aunt did before me. I graduated with high honors, just as it was expected of me.

I currently live in the Tokyo Twin Parks building, near the expressway. I live alone, and I prefer it that way.

I'm 1.73 cm tall, taller than the average Japanese female thanks to my parents genes. Other than my height there's nothing else about my physique that stands out. My last obligatory checkup told me that there was absolutely no problems with me or my health. I don't smoke, contrary to what most people tend to believe about those in my line of work, and I only drink on special occasions.

Before someone knows me, I tend to appear as a somewhat somber person. I don't smile that much. At least not when I'm working, and definitely not when I'm at a scene. After knowing me, people understand that I work with a mentality that's not very common for a Detective.

Allow me to explain: I treat every case with the point of view of a third party. One that's outside from everything, even the police. My years at the University, and the education my parents and my aunt gave me, taught me that a lawyer needs to treat every case as if it was the first and last one. Personal feelings, opinions or beliefs must be trimmed out of one's mind you desire the best possible result.

So that's why, even if my badge says that I work for the Police and by extent my morality must be akin to those who pursue every crime, arrest every wrongdoer and protects society, when I work in a case I don't take sides. Not the victim, not the culprits, not the police or even the law.

Because my job is to find the truth, be what it may be. Judges pass judgement, lawyers fight with their arguments, the police arrests people and detains suspects. I'm a Detective, and I'll be damned if I can't find the truth hidden in the darkness.

Perhaps that's what made Saitou look so shocked and terrified when she saw me running towards my vehicle. To her, I was just another detective working on the case. One that the Commissioner (my aunt) had assigned to work with. So, what did she exactly thought after knowing who I was in reality? That I was a sick person for investigating the suicide of my own father as if he was just a stranger? What kind of daughter does that? What kind of woman would ask about the victim and his relatives when I was part of those very same relatives?

That's what I wanted to ask to myself. After I got that call in the morning, my whole mind rewired itself to stop the pain as much as it could. Because it was going to be painful sooner or later. So I think that, from all the responses I could have chosen in that exact same moment, I preferred to be the cold and efficient detective that stopped at nothing to solve a case. Personal feelings and family be damned.

When I arrived at my aunt's house, the sun was still blocked by the ominous clouds winter had brought alongside it. Snow had been falling non stop over the whole city, painting a very serene image that didn't match how I felt inside.

I rang the bell as soon as I found myself in front of the door, and not even ten seconds passed before I heard hurried steps and the door swinging open in full force.

My aunt's eyes tend to be very expressive. Incredibly so. I had seen those evoke a hellike fury that could crack the earth, as well as compassion worthy of a saint. But now, those very same eyes looked at me with sadness. A deep and very personal sadness.

Perhaps it had to do with how I looked at that moment; with snow covering my head and shoulders (a telltale sign that I had been standing outside before actually deciding to ring the bell) and a face that couldn't decide what to feel, it was pretty obvious that it wasn't my best day.

"So, um-"

I couldn't speak two words before my aunt lunged towards me, tangling her arms around me in one of those hugs she gave me when she didn't want me to keep hurting myself. She did so when I witnessed my first murder, and now it was to protect me from my own thoughts.

"It's alright. You don't need to keep acting strong." She cooed softly in my ear, her warmth slowly spreading to my cold limbs. "I'm here. It's ok to cry, it's ok to feel sad, it's ok to stop for a while."

It felt just like my childhood. Even though I was taller than aunt Makoto, I felt like a kid on her arms. The same feeling of safety, her encouraging words, the warmth irradiating from her kind soul keeping the pain and sadness away.

But even if I wanted to stay on her arms forever and be told that everything would be alright once the storm had passed, I refrained from doing so. Mourning would come after I had found the answer my soul claimed.

"It's ok-I mean, I'm not okay." I corrected myself once I saw my aunt's gaze start to shine with that anger when someone lied to her face. "I'm not okay, but that's just how it is. I think that until I feel strong enough to walk by myself again, I'll let the sadness stay with me a little bit."

She sighed at my answer and quickly ruffled my hair. A gesture that I hadn't seen for a long time. "As long as you know that there's people who care for you, then I guess that I'll let you be. Come inside, I have sweets and hot chocolate awaiting."

Sweet things. Those had been one of aunt Makoto's greatest weaknesses. That and Buchimaru products.

I slowly stepped inside the great house and I immediately felt the warmth of a well equipped home. The feelings started to hit the moment I looked at the living room glowing in the distance.

Many times I had visited this house. And almost always I had done with my father. My aunt and him were good friends since their school days. I didn't know why, but I felt that sometimes, it was more than mere camaraderie. One that's forged over countless events and adversities.

"C'mon, give me your coat. You already know what's going to happen to me if I let the floor get wet." She extended her hand towards me.

"Ah yeah. Sorry about that." I answered as I took off my coat. As I handed it over, I looked at aunt Makoto. She had changed her clothes since the last time I had seen her a few hours ago. Gone was the uniform with the countless ribbons and decorations and now she had a cream turtleneck sweater with black yoga pants. "Are you alone, auntie?"

Her eyes went back to that sad stare she had given me outside. "Yeah. Your aunt Ann is in the States, overseeing another production." She carefully hung the coat on one of the many hangers in the entrance. "I called her as soon as I got the information concerning your father and she told me that she would catch the first plane she could. She also told me that she loves you very much."

I scratched the back of my neck with something akin to an awkward smile on my face. "Sounds like her." I left my shoes at the entrance and quickly followed aunt Makoto towards the living room.

Once there, I just fell onto one of the many sofás that populated the space. It was almost nostalgic to remember that some years ago, I would spend countless days sitting in there, with my family, just enjoying our time. But now, my father was gone, and my mother might be as well.

"Have your cousins called you?" She asked.

"Mhmm."

"Is that a yes or a no?"

"Mhmm." My eyes were fixed on an old photo that depicted the five of us, sitting in the same living room as I was in that moment.

Makoto Niijima is my aunt. At least, my only blood-related aunt. Aunts and uncles by relationship with my parents, I have many.

Most of them were the friends he formed when he had to come to Tokyo for his probation. Friends that stood by his side at all times, good or bad.

Aunt Futaba is the adopted daughter of Grandpa Sojiro. Uncle Ryuuji and Aunt Ann were students on his same class. Aunt Haru was his senior in school, just as Aunt Makoto. Uncle Yusuke… well, he's something of an oddity. His story is as strange as himself, but deep inside, I think he's a good person. Eccentric and odd, but good nonetheless.

After them, the rest are a collection of people from many places. All of them precious and unique. And everyone connected to my father in some way.

Cousins however, are a different story. I don't have any blood related cousin whatsoever. Aunt Makoto has no children and my father was a single child. On the other hand, Uncle Ryujii has a son, a rascal a few years younger than me and one that got me into more trouble than I wanted. Aunt Haru has a daughter, a dainty little lady with the looks of an angel… and the cunning of a devil. If I was the leader of the operation, she was my second in command. Nothing could stop her machiavellian machinations once the gears on her head were in motion. Auntie Futaba is the maniac of the group. She's single, childless, with two cats and has a literal server installed in her house. Many times I had to visit her because of what the Cybercrime Division was investigating. Uncle Yusuke is single and has no child of his own as well. Instead, he has an apprentice. A good lad. Somewhat shy but with the same heart of gold as his teacher. We have always treated him as one of our own, and to him, we're just like his family.

What always struck me as curious, was that I'm the oldest of the bunch. When I understood a little more about relationships, I thought that it was because of the odd couple my parents formed. My mother was more than 10 years older than my father after all.

But now, with everything that has happened, I think that even a question as innocent as: "Why am I the oldest child in the family?" acquired a more somber and sinister tone.

My aunt took one of the steaming cups from the coffee table and handed it to me. The chocolate smelled as sweet as ever. "You don't have to talk if you don't want to." She took the other cup for herself. "Just eat and drink something, ok?"

I took a sip from the cup. It was good. Really good. In front of me, the coffee table was laden with sweet rolls, pieces of cake, cookies and little chocolates that Aunt Ann had brought from her many trips around the globe. With care, I grabbed one of the cookies that looked like a little flower and promptly crammed it into my mouth.

The crunchy texture combined with the sweet aftertaste of the hot chocolate gave my soul a little lift. It was indeed like my childhood.

"I actually…" I tried to swallow the rest of the cookie alongside a know that had formed in my throat thanks to the bittersweet memories. "I actually wanted to ask you a few questions, auntie."

She smiled with sadness. "Yeah. I thought so." With care she placed the cup on the table once more, and after getting into a more comfortable position, she looked at me. "Is this about your father?"

I nodded as another sip of hot chocolate entered my mouth. "I thought that maybe… because of my grandfather, you could help me a little." It was a terrible reason, but the answers I needed would probably be even worse.

My grandfather had died while on duty. He had been **killed.** My father? My father committed **suicide**. Those two reasons were as day and night, but the pain was the same. My aunt stopped being a child earlier than many would've wanted, and that made her infinitely wiser.

"Your father was a great man, Hikari. Kind, noble and just. He couldn't let any injustice pass and no crime go unpunished." She giggled a little after that last sentence, but her smile quickly turned into a sad expression. "He helped me, as well as many others. Akira's will was strong, strong enough to carry us all to a better future. Many times I wondered how he managed to be so outstanding. He even gave me a run for my money when he started to ace all the tests! But perhaps… perhaps that was just a mask. One that I failed to see until it was too late."

I ate another cookie. "He fooled us all."

Aunt Makoto smiled at me, it was her way to thank someone without saying it. "Indeed." She gave a little bite to one of the sweet rolls and promptly wiped her hands on a napkin. "So, what do you want to know? I warn you, I don't know anything about his sentimental life."

"That's alright, I don't want to know that either." That would be a topic for another person. "I wanted to ask… do you know why my parents wanted to have me?"

She looked at me like I had just told her that I was a murderer or something similar. "Eh… I don't think I'm the most suitable to answer that question."

"Right. That came out terrible, sorry." I punched my forehead in an infantile gesture, one that I hoped my aunt would recognize from the days when I was just a little girl. "But, even if I were to ask my _mother_, I think she would just say: That's how love works."

Aunt Makoto pinched her temples. "Yeah, that sounds like my sister alright." She sighed and promptly finished her sweet roll. "If I recall correctly, Sae said something about 'feeling it was the right moment to have a child'."

"Classic. What about my father?"

"He never answered. At least, I never felt like it was his **own** answer." She looked at the same picture I had looked at earlier. "Akira wasn't a weak-willed person, but my sister… my sister tends to get her point through. One way or another."

My father was always a kind and gentle person. He never shouted, never lost his temper or became violent. It didn't matter what happened, he would just smile and then try to fix whatever situation he had on his hands.

My mother was the one who donned the angry mask in my household. She was the one that nagged, frowned and reminded me of my mistakes. To her abrasiveness, my father was the gentle breeze that blew through the fields on a hot summer afternoon.

I wanted to think that their dynamic was because my mother had a very, very strong personality; dominant and harsh. And so, my father just fell back, taking on the role of the one that cleans up after the tornado had wrecked everything.

But now I understand that my father was never like that. After reading his manuscript and hearing what my aunt had to say about his past, I understood that my mother took the person my father was, and broke him until he was but a hollow shell. A ghost of his former self.

The only ones who really knew my father, were his friends. The person that married my _mother,_ and the person who raised me was just a shadow on a cavern's wall. Nothing real, nothing tangible.

The table now had substantially less appetizers and my belly was more than full, but the gentle spirit of my aunt was still eager to pamper and spoil me. "Are you sure you don't want to eat anything else?" She picked up the empty plates and quickly left them in the kitchen sink. "I can prepare something a little more healthy if you want."

I shuddered at the sole mention of more food. "No, thank you, auntie. I think I'll have to skip the next two meals to compensate for this."

She shuffled my hair again, more lovingly this time. "You know that skipping meals is bad for your health."

Aunt Makoto had always been like that. She was the one that pushed me to my absolute limit when I wanted to enter the police force to become a detective. And was also the first one in my graduation ceremony alongside my parents. If I didn't knew better, I would've said that she was my real mother. "You also taught me that eating too many sweets is detrimental for my body and mind too, remember?"

"I get a pass because I'm your aunt. You still have to take care of yourself." She winked at me with a smug grin on her lips.

I laughed, and my heart felt a little lighter. "People say that your rank of Commissioner gives you too many benefits. I'm glad they don't know about your role as an aunt." I stood up from the sofa, and quickly straightened up my tie and shirt.

"Are you going out?" Her voice was drenched with concern. "Are you sure you want to go? You can sleep here. I'm sure that Ann would love to see you right now."

I took a deep breath. "Yes, I'm sure." I looked at her eyes. "Auntie, I have one last question."

"Anything."

"Where is my _mother?"_

* * *

My family has a house in Meguro. It was originally of my grandparents, but my father inherited it once they passed away. It took a long time, but my parents refurbished the whole place to serve as a summer home. I spent many summers there, basking in the sun.

But what memories I had of that place meant nothing. Because now, that house was nothing more than the last bastion of the beast. One that I was willing to tear down, stone by stone.

Now that I think about it, even something as trivial as choosing her wife's surname over his own was an act of surrender. The law dictates that a household must have a single surname, be it the husband's or wife's. But he choose to do so because he wasn't Akira Kurusu anymore. Akira Kurusu died one stormy night, at the hands of the woman he had once loved.

And as I drive towards my father's hometown, I repeat over and over again what I thought was my own story and now seems like the fabrication of an evil mastermind. I repeat, for I don't know what's true anymore. I hold onto it with every fiber of my being, so I don't fall into madness.

**My name is Hikari Niijima. I'm 28 years old. I work as a police detective in the Japanese Police Force, First Division. My father's name was Akira Kurusu. My father's name was Akira Kurusu. My father's name was Akira Kurusu. My father's name was Akira Kurusu. My father's name was Akira Kurusu.**

**My father's name was Akira Kurusu. And he was the leader of the Phantom Thieves.**

"Yes? Who's there?"

"_Mother,_ it's me: Hikari. I'm home."


	4. Down the Rabbit Hole

"_**Truth is subjective."**_

I entered the house as silently as possible. I had the keys to the front door, but that didn't matter once I discovered that it wasn't locked to begin with. Whoever was inside knew exactly who would come to visit.

I left my shoes at the entrance, and after making sure my service weapon was still in my holder, I proceeded towards the living room.

As I stepped towards an inevitable confrontation, I held tightly onto the things my father had left me after his death: His manuscript, his probation diary, and every exam and test concerning me. Including my _mother_'s ultrasound pictures.

Those were his chains. Those were my origins, and soon, they were going to be the tools to free us.

As I entered the living room, a gelid gale welcomed my whole body. In there, the woman who I had called my _mother_ for a good part of my life stood in front of the garden's entrance. Every single window and door was open, letting the stormy winter wind run amok inside the house.

She was looking out the windows, as her hair danced in the wind like a bird soars through the currents of air. She wore nothing more than the long coat she always used to get to the buffet where she was an associate and a grey business suit.

I walked a few steps towards her, but she didn't even turn. Even as I crept closer, she didn't acknowledge me as a threat. Just as she hadn't acknowledged me as a real daughter.

"It's time." I spoke, stopping a few meters away from her. "It's time to face your sins. One last time."

She slowly turned her head. "It seems that you found your father's work." She was grinning. Her eyes as sharp as they were when she fought tooth and nail in the courtrooms. "And I thought he had abandoned that idea all those years ago…"

"Don't speak as if you knew him!" She was evil. Pure evil, and she wasn't going to surrender until the very last moment. "You broke him! You broke my father! You **murdered** him!"

Her smile fell the moment I mentioned his suicide. She turned around and faced me head on. No more pretensions, no more lies, no nothing. "That's what you think? That's what he said?" The wind intensified, making her look like a literal norse goddess, standing against a mere mortal. "Hikari… what kind of detective takes the disgruntled writings of a lunatic as facts?"

I took a good look at her, at her face. Instead of making her an old woman, time had given her such refined features, such subtle touches of maturity, that now Sae Niijima stood in front of my as the very image of wisdom and power.

A testament to her prowess as a human being.

"Don't you dare use that against me!" I pointed my finger at her. "This is not about what I believe, this is about what you did."

"You make a hard case, darling."

"Then better start talking. I want to know what I am. I want to know what made you destroy my father's soul." The grip over the documents in my hand tightened. "And I want the truth this time. From your treacherous lips."

"So be it." Sae sighed, and moved a lock of her messy hair, tucking it behind her right ear. "What your father wrote it's true. I did exactly what you read in those pages."

I felt the tears coming, but I held them back with all of my strength. The time for crying would come later. "Why?"

"Because I loved your father!" She extended her arms to both sides with violence, on her face the same psychopathic expression my father had warned me about. "I LOVED HIM! I LOVED HIM WITH ALL OF MY HEART! What's so hard to believe? Do you think I can't love? That I don't have a heart?! I do, Hikari, I really do!" Sae held her head with both hands while tears fell down her cheeks. "I loved him… but I was scared. Scared of losing the love of my life. Thinking that at any moment my whole world would just disappear."

"THIS IS LOVE TO YOU?!" I threw every single document I had with me to the floor with fury. The manuscript and the diary bounced from the impact. The large envelope, however, just bursted. Every single page, exam and image scattered through the floor, like the leaves in autumn. "WHAT KIND OF LOVE USES A CHILD AS A TOOL?! WHAT KIND OF HUMAN BEING BREAKS THE SOUL OF THE ONE SHE LOVES?"

"I had to…" She whispered. "I felt that I was losing Akira more and more every day. I needed to do something that would allow me to keep him at my side forever. Something that would assure he would never think of leaving me."

"You never thought that you were the one pushing him away with your madness? That the Sae he had once loved was no more?"

She looked at me with a very pained expression. The same that those who understand their crimes do before getting executed. "I did. But the more I panicked about it, the more I lost control to the madness." Sae chuckled. "And at the zenith of my madness, I devised my plan: Akira had a vast network of connections and friends. He also had a soul of gold, a veritable paragon of justice. As long as I took care of those two things, then he would have no choice than to stay with me."

My blood froze. "How so?"

Any trace of sadness or repentance was suddenly gone from her face. "By hiding my pregnancy until there was no way to perform an abortion on you assured that his own morality played against every single option of getting rid of the baby." Her madness was back again in full. "By making the conception look like an act of pure love, I assured that every single one of his friends and acquaintances would take my side in case that he decided to run away. Who would think of doubting the legitimacy of my feelings? Who would even dare to suggest I did anything without love in my mind? No one! No one would take his side! Akira could scream all that he wanted, but no one would come to his aid!" She smiled at me. "No one except me."

I lost my control in that moment. With one single motion I took out my gun from its holster and pointed it towards that wretched woman. "YOU BITCH! HOW COULD YOU? HOW COULD YOU?!"

"It was love. Pure, simple and undying love." She extended her hands towards me. "And the materialization of that love… is you."

"BULLSHIT!" I screamed, nauseated at her words. "WHAT AM I TO YOU?! WHAT AM I?"

"You're my lynchpin."

It could've been the worst winter in the history of Japan and I wouldn't have felt as cold as when I heard those words. "What…?"

"You're the lynchpin that kept my marriage, my life together."

My legs felt weak, my heart felt about to burst. The tears that started as tears of sadness now were of pure rage. "Say it. SAY IT ONCE MORE!"

"AS LONG AS YOU WERE ALIVE MY MARRIAGE WAS SAFE." This time, it was her turn to scream. "AKIRA DIDN'T HAD ANY CHOICE OTHER THAN TO STAY WITH ME AND RAISE YOU TOGETHER AS A FAMILY. YOU WERE MY **INSURANCE**, MY **BARGAINING CHIP**, MY **ACE IN THE SLEEVE**. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?!"

I fell to my knees, screaming. I screamed hard and loud as the wind howled alongside my voice. The truth I had sought so desperately now was the cause of all my pain and suffering. My life, my whole life shattered in an instant. Every moment in my memory forever tainted with the knowledge that I wasn't even a human to the person that masqueraded as my mother. I had been raised by a psychopath and a hollow shell of a man. And that made me a broken existence.

"You know what's funny?" My vision was hazy from all the tears and energy I had spent screaming, but I could still see her evil silhouette amidst the storm. "That he never tried asking his friends for help. I think that sooner or later, they would have sided with him. Even Makoto would have believed him."

That was everything I needed to hear. Slowly, I dried my tears and after making sure I had bullets inside the magazine, I stood once more. "That's enough. Now it's time to pay for your sins."

"No."

"No?"

"No. I won't pay for anything, and you know that."

I pointed my gun at her once more. "Have you lost your mind? Are you that deep into your madness that you won't even realize the damage you've done?"

"Think about it. Every single legal action that could've been taken against me has long since expired. Your father comitted suicide, and the only evidence that could possibly prove that I had something to do with it, is a manuscript filled with nonsense." She shrugged. "I raised you as it was expected of me, so there are no charges there. What's left, Hikari? What's left? Misdemeanor? Theft? Adultery, treason, trafficking?"

"I may not be a judge, and this may not be a court of law, but… my justice will be served. One way or another."

"Then you are no better than the criminals you help to capture and judge." Sae looked at me just like she did when I was a child and I had done something that earned her disapproval. "By killing me you go against everything you stand for. And that makes you no better than me."

And for the first time since I had found my father's manuscript, I hesitated.


	5. Zwischenschach

"_**Playing a surprising check that your opponent didn't consider when she was plotting a sequence of moves."**_

She was right. Absolutely right.

Killing her wasn't going to solve anything. It wouldn't bring back my father. It wouldn't fix the whole wreck that was my family. And it wouldn't give me back my life. Worst of all, it would lower me to her level. And that was something I wasn't going to allow.

I put my gun back into the holster. "That's correct. By any extent of the law you're unpunishable." I fixed my clothes back to a somewhat respectable state and closed my coat to protect me from the cold that I was finally able to feel. "Your plan was perfect."

"It seems that you **did** learn something in Law School after all." She retorted me.

"But as I said, I'm no judge. I'm no court nor prosecutor. I'm something worse than that." Gone were the tears, the feelings of helplessness and self pity. If I was going to be something for that woman, then I would become what she feared the most. "I'm your daughter. I'm Akira Kurusu's daughter. And that gives me the right to judge you."

Sae looked at me with fear for the first time in what seemed an eternity since I laid my eyes upon her as a baby. And she was right to do so.

"From this day forward, let it be known that I have no mother. I never had one." I shot, not bullets, but my own hatred towards the person who killed my father. "Get away from me. Never speak to me again. Erase me from your memories and every thought. I was never something yours and I don't want anything from you. Stay hidden inside a dark corner where wretched beings like you belong."

She didn't speak back this time. The upper hand was mine.

"You're a sad, pathetic and twisted excuse for a human being. Your madness is so deeply rooted in your sick mind that you never realized how hollow your victory was."

"W-what?" She doubted. Sae Niijima herself was falling prey to doubt, and there was nothing more beautiful than poetic justice.

I shrugged. "Think about it. All you ever wanted was to live with the man you loved for the rest of your life. Have a little home, raise a family. But what did you had in reality?" The dread was palpable on her face. "You married a shadow. The man you loved died the day you stabbed him in the heart without remorse or compassion. What you had could never be called a family. You were just a little girl trying to play house with her pets on a small room inside your mind. And I understand, you know? I'm guilty of letting you do with my life what you wanted. But that ends today."

"A little girl… a little girl?" Her whole world was crashing down, just as she had done with my father. Just as it had occurred to me. "Me? Playing house with… pets?"

"That's right. My father lived as your pet, forever chained thanks to your plan. But he was able to regain what little dignity he could in the end. And with his dignity he chose to die before living another day with you." I chuckled a little at that part. I laughed because it was true. I laughed because I had finally seen the true intentions of my father. "And I'll follow in his footsteps. I'll reclaim back my humanity from you. I'll make sure that anyone knows about your wretched ways, Sae Niijima! I won't rest until your sins are exposed and your evil comes out to the light! That's who I choose to be; that's my justice!"

She fell to her knees, tasting defeat for the first time. Complete and utter defeat. Because she knew deep down inside her dark soul that I would accomplish what my father never could. I would denounce her to every single person that ever met my father, and I would use the very same network she used to trap him to enact the retribution that was due.

**Checkmate.**

"I never had anything… didn't I?" A quiet whisper came from her penitent figure.

"Not completely true." I answered, a warm feeling in my heart that helped me fight against the damned freezing weather. "You had my life. You had a strawman instead of a husband. You even had a sister at one point. But not anymore." I turned around, ready to leave the ghosts of my past buried alongside every single bad memory that woman had tainted with her presence. "Goodbye, Sae Niijima. May our paths never cross again."

As I walked towards the front door, I heard one last sentence in the distance, mixing with the howling wind: "I tried to fix my marriage, you know… but it was too late by then."

I turned around, ready to lash out against the woman once more… but I realized that she wasn't there anymore.

I sprinted towards the living room and frantically searched for the person that had been in there with me a few seconds ago. My eyes scanned the room as fast as they could, awaiting a sudden ambush or back blow to my head that would knock me out cold, but nothing happened.

She had disappeared from there, just as she hadn't even existed in the first place.

I slowly walked towards the windows, and quickly peeked outside to see if there was someone running in the distance.

Only the freezing wind and the snowflakes greeted me back out there.

She was gone. Gone forever, just as I told her to.

As I looked around once more, I noticed something else was missing. The manuscript I had thrown to the ground a few minutes ago was gone. Same with the diary. She had taken the only proof that existed of her crimes. Not only that, she had taken the living testament of my father's pain and suffering, as well as the tale of my origin.

Until the very last moment, that woman had been able to get away with one final coup.

Suddenly, the gleaming form of something small caught my attention between the myriad of pages and the white snow.

Just where Sae Niijima had stood a few minutes ago, two golden rings rested on the snow.

I picked them up and glanced at the scripture on their inner side: **"Amor Vincit Omnia"**

In exchange for the true memories of the man she had loved, Sae left me the only thing that was able to remind her of a better time. Of an illusion where she had a loving husband and daughter: Their wedding rings.

"That's right. The spouse can ask for the ring after the autopsy has been completed."

That was the last thing I wanted to remember. And the last thing I thought before leaving that cold, dark and twisted place behind.

I took a leave after that day. I needed some time to think about what had happened to my life in a short span of time and piece back whatever was left of my identity after the calamity that was Sae Niijima left the stage. I had to accept that her crimes would be forever lost in the darkness now that every single evidence of her actions had been stolen.

Besides, my father needed to be buried as the hero he was. Not as a simple shadow alongside the figure of his wife.

His funeral was attended by everyone I had ever known in my life. From my uncles and aunts, to some people I had only heard of. Even my high-school teacher, was there. Luckily for us, the sun was shining that day, so we didn't had to say our final farewell as the snow piled over us.

There wasn't a shortage of speeches by any means. Every single person had something amazing to say about him: From how many part-time jobs he was able to juggle as a high schooler, to that time when he had called a maid service and was busted by his homeroom teacher. Those stories helped me fill the void his stolen manuscript had left in my soul. And those tales shone with even more intensity because they were happier than what he had experienced the last years of his life.

Everyone cried as his coffin descended one last time into the earth. Everyone except me, because I knew that his suicide wasn't an attempt to run away from the pain. It was his final act as Akira Kurusu. A leap towards freedom.

After his tomb was filled, and people started to leave, Aunt Makoto came to speak with me. "Hikari. I'm glad to see you standing strong after all." She gently patted my back. "I think… that you are stronger than me when I was in the same situation. After all, it was me and my sister back then..."

I smiled. Something that had taken me a while to do again, but that I had managed to recover. "Thank you, auntie. I owe it to my father. He would've expected nothing less from me."

She laughed, some dried up tears still on the corners of her eyes. "Your determination sure is the same as his. Look, Hikari…" A very pained expression appeared on her face. "Have you heard anything about your mother? Since your father's death I haven't been able to contact her at all. Her phone is dead, she hasn't returned home and no one has heard or seen her. I know that you're already devastated with the loss of one of your parents, so I didn't want to burden you, but…"

I took a deep breath and reached out for the pair of rings inside my pocket. They shone a little bit as the weak sunrays permeated the thick winter atmosphere. It was in that moment when my aunt realized what I had in my palm. "You know, auntie… I think that wherever she has gone to, she doesn't want to be found." I looked at her surprised face as my fist closed, trapping the two bright objects inside. "And that's fine by me."

Aunt Makoto didn't answer, but her face told me everything I needed to know.

"Anyway, how hard it is to change one's surname?"


End file.
